Fear the Spoon!

Attention Span way too short

2006-03-24T14:50:00.000-05:00

I've been really lax on my movie reviews. I'm really not very good at it anyway. I'm just going to catch-up on the movies I've seen. Ultraviolet...
Here's one that had an awesome trailer and cool costumes and effects, somewhere along the way some one forgot to write a script. So someone cobbled one together out of the Matrix and Blade outtakes. I was disappointed that the vampires were no more creatures of the night than Richard Simmons. Transamerica...I really liked this one. Felicity Huffman was robbed of the oscar for this one. Reese Witherspoon should be set on fire before she does any more damage. If Huffman didn't deserve the nod it should of gone to Judy Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents...Which was real good for a World War II period piece, which I don't usually like. I recently took my nephew to see the following kid movies...Curious George, Doogal, Nanny McPhee, and the Shaggy Dog, all of which were cute, except for Nanny McPhee, which is apparently what happens when british ladies do opium. The Hills Have Eyes... Is a brutal remake of the original Wes Craven splatter film. I liked it enough to see twice. V for Vendetta... was very enjoyable and stayed true to the comic it was based on, even thought it's been twenty years since I've read it.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Underworld Evolution

2006-01-25T04:42:00.000-05:00

I find it funny that this sequel calls itself "Evolution", in that it did not evolve into a better movie than it's predecessor. Instead it's still a murky film, shot with a blue lens (WHY?!!!), with a confusing plot. Apparently there was an immortal man (I'm guess he's a Highlander), he had twin sons. One gets bitten by a bat making the first Vampire. One gets bitten by a wolf making the first Werewolf. A third son was bitten by a cockroach spawning Keith Richards. So the two sons create more of their kind and war. Why? We don't know. The big werewolf is caged for centuries by his brother. Why? Dunno. Centuries later the big vampire wants to rescue his brother. Why? NO idea! Kate Beckinsale is a hot vampire chick who's been screwed over by everyside here so she just kills everyone except for her boyfriend/ vampire/ werewolf/ grey thingee who only seems to be in this movie, because he was in the last one. When the first Underworld came out they made a big deal over Scott Speedman, but since he's done almost nothing since it proves the old adage, "You have to have more than a resemblence to Scott Stapp to get ahead in life." I got very little of the film, maybe I wasn't supposed to get it. All I can tell you for sure is...Disappointed with it, 5% chance of buying the dvd, and everyone in this movie looks blue.

I Read Books

2006-01-22T16:14:00.000-05:00

I believe strongly in literature and that people should continue to read for pleasure. People who enjoy reading are simply more interesting to be around. I don’t claim to be a braniac or master of the English language, but I do read more as often as I see movies, and I see a lot of movies. I’ll admit a lot of my book selections are the literary equivalent of fast food, but I enjoy what I read and that’s all that matters. I read a young woman’s blog, where she basically uses it to keep track of every book she reads in a year. So I decided to do the same. I don’t think I’ll completely review each book, as I don’t see myself as a good judge of writing ability. Maybe just a few comments. To catch up since the beginning on 2006 I have read the following. Under the Overtree by James A. Moore: Someone turned me on to this guy a few years back. He’s a horror writer from Atlanta, and a girl I met says her works at a Media Play up there, and that was enough of a reason for me to read his work. Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk (No clue as to the pronunciation of this one either): He wrote Fight Club and a lot of other crazy books, I love his crazy little mind, fascinating. Undead and Unwed by MaryJanice Davidson: I read a short story by her once and loved it. So I looked for her other stuff, coming across this book and it’s two sequels. Only after I finished did I notice that it is considered a romance novel. So MaryJanice Davidson is my favorite and only romance novelist The Lost Continent by Bill Bryson: This is a dry, yet witty travel book given to me by a weird little Italian guy. The Ex-Boyfriend Cookbook by Erin Ergenbright & Thisbe Nissen: I got this at a dollar store, but love the hell out of it. It is a series of short stories about former love interests of these two women, you get the initial relationship, the break-up, and a recipe the guy left behind. I was amazed that two women had so many guys walk through their lives that left so many recipes, makes you wonder how many they had with no cooking experience. The tag line of this book is “They Came, They Cooked, They Left…”. It should be "They Liked to Cook, But They Love the Cock!" Because these two ladies have been around. I especially love one girl’s story about bedding down a total stranger in a hamburglar costume because he brought her some banana bread. I’m shocked I hadn’t thought of trying that one before. Forever Odd by Dean Koontz: This is a great follow up to Odd Thomas. This should really be a tv show, it has such possibilities. I followed up this book by re-reading Koontz’s Life Expectancy which I truly adore. Lamb (The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal) by Christopher Moore. I really like this guy’s style, he comes up with some weird stories and this one’s no exception. I only found this author because his stuff was right next to James Moore and the covers looked interesting. So far this year my running total is 8. I’m in the middle of one now, I’ll keep you updated. By the way I lost another 3 pounds this week bringing the total to 37.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Walk the Line

2006-01-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

Hey there campers! Guess who was the last person in America to see Walk the Line? That’s right, it would be me. I honestly had only one reason that I put off seeing this movie. Truth be told, I’m apparently the only one left in this country who isn’t infatuated with Reese Witherspoon. Not to say I don’t like her performances, or that she’s devoid of talent. I’m just kind of sick of her head, it just irritates me to no end. What is with the shape of her head? I’ll admit Election is one of my favorite movies and she was awesome in that. She did a pretty decent job in this film, but still in my opinion she was the only weak link. This was a kick ass movie, and speaking as someone who has tried to emulate Johnny Cash’s vocal delivery, I have no idea how Phoenix pulled it off (I can’t begin to spell his bleedin’ name so I’m just going to return to calling him Leaf and for the rest of this article feel free to give yourself a nature name like Summer or Rain, I will be calling myself Mudpie). Everyone went crazy for Jamie Foxx for his portrayal of Ray Charles which was good, but he just lip synched all the music in that film. I believe Chris Rock or any other black actor could have given a very similar performance. Giving yourself Johnny Cash’s timber and resonance, is an impossible task. I think it would be easier to grow a tail. I left this one wondering why I waited so long to see it. I will also attempt to squeeze in another viewing, before it leaves the theater. As you might have gathered by now, I hate describing the movies I saw, I just like to ramble about my thoughts afterward. I assume anyone reading this has at least seen the trailer. Quick thought: The guy who plays Reese’s dad in this movie was the weed-whacker guy in Dawn of the Dead, pretty cool. I know when you make an autobiographical film about a musician or vocalist there’s going to be at least 45 minutes of their fight with drug addiction. Is there any way in the future where we can skip this part. EVERY MUSICAN APPARENTLY POPS PILLS!!! Deal with it, hold up a little placard that reads (HE DID DRUGS, HE GOT OVER IT), and then show me something else. As time goes on I worry more and more about whether or not I’ll ever make it big as a performer. But I worry even more about the drugs. Even though I have never taken drugs ever in my life, they seem to come with the territory. My last little complaint is that I want to write a law that says, that the character of Elvis Presley will no longer be allowed to cameo in any movie for let’s say twenty years. They don’t even attempt to properly cast it anymore. They got some random BLONDE country singer to portray him and it was just sad. However, For every lost Elvis cameo, they should put in Jerry Lee Lewis, He was one of my favorite parts about this film. The Dennis Quaid movie was good, but I would just like to see actors play him in tiny roles, just pop in, act crazy and pop out. I am very happy I finally saw this one, 100% chance of buying the dvd.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Capote

2006-01-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

I decided late Friday evening I wanted to go to a movie and found that this finally made it to a local theater and that it was playing at 12:15 am. In my head, I was trying to figure out who would want to see a true story of a gay New York writer traveling to Kansas to cover a murder investigation, at midnight on a Friday? The answer apparently was…Me. It was the only thing showing that late at the theater as every other film had their last showing before 11:30. As I approached the building in front of me where approximately a dozen urban youths, dressed for inclusion in a Lil Jon video, one was actually sporting two ball caps. Curious as to what they wanted to see I waited patiently behind them in line as they stared vacantly at the list of movies in front of the cashier, a very friendly black guy in a nice shirt and tie possibly 18-20 years old. He asked them quietly, “May I help you?” There was a long pause and the kids shared puzzling glances amongst themselves when finally a tall gangly girl of maybe fifteen asked, “What’s a CAY-POTE?” The cashier quickly responded, “No, It’s about Truman Capote…. The writer…In Cold Blood…Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” To which another girl from the group asked, “Is this the one with Bow Wow in it?” to which the cashier replied, ”No…No it is not.” Then all twelve of them turned around and walked out confused. I stepped right up and said, “One for Capote” to which the cashier replied, “Damn, sometimes you just want to buy someone a book.” To which I replied “Amen to that.” I told that story because as much as I loved this movie (And I loved this movie a lot) I don’t think everyone will get it or care to get it. This is not a movie my mother would sit through, Nowadays if it doesn’t have Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts or Jennifer Aniston in it, she probably won’t like it. But this film really resonated with me. I am not a gay man, nor am I a New York socialite, nor am I a good writer (Which is painfully obvious by now). With that said, I felt very sympathetic and close to this guy. I really know how it feels to be a fish out of water, someone so different that no one around knows how to speak to you. I was so glad I got a chance to see this movie as most art house films never make it to Savannah, and I want to thank the Regal here for getting some of these movies in. I was also surprised that on it’s opening night at the midnight showing I was the only one there, it was so late in fact the concession stand was closed when I arrived. I begged the guy behind to counter to sell me a diet soda, but all he could give me was a small paper cupful for free. So I sipped slowly on a 4oz cup of soda for two hours. Unlike a lot of other movies I saw this year, this one made me think, and made me want to read a lot of things. I left the theater wanting to see “In Cold Blood” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. It also made me want to read his books as well as Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” and some of the books by Jack Dunphy. Earlier that day I had sat through “Fun with Dick and Jane”, and I walked out of the theater with no thoughts in my head at all. It was a feeling similar to when I saw “Anchorman”, I just left kind of blank with no real feelings for anything. It’s good to see something that makes you think and feel and yearn to grow. I loved this little movie, Phillip Seymour Hoffman is brilliant. If he doesn’t win the Oscar, I will make him one myself out of tin foil and ornaments and send it to him. Extremely glad I saw it, 100% chance of buying the dvd in the fanciest edition they can put out.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Fun With Dick & Jane

2006-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

When I first saw the trailer for this one, I thought it was a bad idea. After sitting through it, I realized I was right. Jim Carrey isn’t bad in his role, he’s just playing the same manic but loving screw-up, he plays in every movie. Tea Leoni isn’t bad, she’s simply playing the same loving yet stressed out house wife, she plays in every movie. Does anyone remember when her first tv show where she was a crazy flight attendant, who falls for a guy and moves in with him immediately and makes his life all crazy? Why can’t she be that crazy chick anymore? Now she’s just the harried wife of Jim Carrey, and Adam Sandler, and Nick Cage, it gets boring. One thing to consider is that this is a remake of a movie that no one saw, which is ok because in ten years this movie will surely fade into the same obscurity. Alec Baldwin is one of the coolest actors out there, and the next director who throws him into a one-dimensional character with a silly accent needs to be punished. We will condemn him to making Pauly Shore comeback movies or possibly adaptations of video games like Uwe Boll (I still have no idea how to pronounce that stupid name). I enjoyed the company of a friend to this one but other than that, I was disappointed in this one, 0% chance of buying the DVD.

Wait Watch Me

2006-01-13T23:16:00.000-05:00

Unlike most over-weight adults, I was an under-weight child. I was unnaturally skinny for a long time. I ate like a maniac, so when my metabolism boomeranged on me around 19, i gained weight fast. Last September at 317lbs. I finally did the last thing I ever thought I would do. I joined Weight Watchers. Alas, I am not a 45 year old woman, so why would I do this? I have sampled a plethora of diets and weight loss gimmicks only to find no help. Weight Watchers was a last resort and a pleasant suprise on top of that. I would like to bust up some of the stereotypes about the program. I was surprised to find that I was not the only male, or the only one under 40. I have been shown a great deal of support and affection by the others in my meeting and it is working. To date I'm down 33lbs. So now at 283lbs. I soldier on towards my goal, that I have yet to set. But I'm gonna get there friends, which I say loosely as no one ever reads these. Yet, This will be my personal log of my weight loss, and all the movies I saw this year. Yee-Haw, let the games begin.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Brokeback Mountain & The Ringer

2006-01-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know it might be a little nuts to lump these two films in together, but I will explain my decision to do so. 1. I'm lazy and thought I'd kill two birds. 2. Both of these movies had actors playing an element false to them, (two straight guys playing homosexuals) and (five or six normal guys playing mentally challenged people). 3. I think I would have liked both of them more if I could relate. I've never found men attractive so Brokeback Mountain didn't resonate with me. Also, I'm not retarded, Which is probably the only way I would enjoy watching Johnny Knoxville fall down over and over again.Brokeback is well acted and directed, with beautiful cinematography and well fleshed out characters. The Ringer is very predictable, but brought out good performances from a few actually specially challenged actors and Katherine Heigel who's good in everything. I recommend Brokeback to couples and women over 21, I recommend The Ringer to Males under 18 and anyone who enjoys Rob Schneider movies. Not regretful for seeing Broke Back Mountain, 45% chance I will buy the DVD (solely for nude scenes with Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway). Marginally glad to see the Ringer, 10% chance I will buy the DVD (Only if they release one of those Unrated versions, they're never any good, but I can't resist buying them.)

Short Attention Span Movie Review: King Kong

2006-01-12T16:03:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'll be forced to wear a Lord of the Rings T-shirt just for reviewing this one, and or admitting to even having seen it. I usually don't like to go to the big blockbusters, but I did wait three weeks before braving the crowds, just out of curiosity to see how the computer animated Kong would stack up. Just for clarification I'm one of three living humans who will openly admit to hating the "rings" trilogy and also one of few remaining fans of the 70's King Kong. But I will admit that this new one is a superior film. I still liked Jeff Bridges a lot more than Adrian Brody, But that is a moot point given that this is Naomi Watts' movie. She was so amazing in this, I think she could have saved the Hulk movie. Hell, she could have saved Mr.Nanny! I've always considered her good, but she shocked me here. The plot and the action stuff we've all seen before, but her emotional scenes with a giant monkey that wasn't even there, seriously moved me. If she doesn't get an oscar nod, someone will get a serious spoon beatdown. Not much else to comment on, a lot of people didn't like Jack Black in this, but I like him too much to ever bitch about his performance. To wrap up, Glad I saw it, will buy the dvd (But just the bare-boned edition, I have no interest in the giant 3 or 4 disc set that will naturally follow this big ass release).

Short Attention Span Movie Review: Grandma's Boy

2006-01-08T01:54:00.000-05:00

I have never had a desk job at an office so I have never attended a business meeting. But after seeing certain movies crop up, it does make me curious about the pitches to make some of these. When Adam Sandler makes a movie you can be sure six or seven of the minor supporting roles will be played by his friends. These are not highly trained or skilled actors, just a few of Sandler's friends hamming it up in usually one joke roles. We don't mind because the meat and potatoes we care about is Adam Sandler. So what if we make a movie starring all those buddies, just not have Adam in it. It's like being served a plates of dinner rolls, what's the point? I laughed maybe twice and spent the whole time trying to figure out A) who the female lead was (The chick from Freaks and Geeks) and B) When Sandler was going to cameo (He doesn't). This is like watching a Baba-Booey show, nobody wants to see the second banana and only the second banana. It didn't kill me and there's only a 5% chance I'll buy the dvd.

Short Attention Span Movie Review: The Family Stone

2006-01-08T01:30:00.000-05:00

I end up seeing most of the movies that hit my local cineplexes whether I've heard of them or not. Sometimes however a movie comes out with nothing me to attract me to it at all. Without seeing a trailer and only knowing it had Sarah Jessica Parker, I figured I'd skip it all together. Alas, I saw it twice. Now don't jump to conclusions and figure I loved it, it has to do with my companion system. I have three female movie companions. If they want to see a movie and I have no logical objection to that movie, I go. The Family Stone complexed me as I didn't know what it was about, 20 minutes in still didn't know, 45 minutes no idea. By the time I understood the direction it was going it was ten minutes shy of the credits. Nevertheless I actually liked it. All the actors were good and for the most part played against type. No nakedness, but Claire Danes pops up half way through looking hotter than she's ever been before. I've always felt a little guilty for being attracted to her, even though she's been legal for some time. Natalie Portman also falls into that category. This movie also features a grungy Rachel McAdams, who is actually cuter dressed down, who knew? As usual I don't like to cast stones so... Glad I saw it (twice), 70% chance I'll buy it on dvd.

Short Attention Span Movie review: Bloodrayne

2006-01-07T20:10:00.000-05:00

Please understand, my opinion regarding movies is a little skewed. I rarely see a movie I don't like a little bit. Also I don't like giving scores or directional digits, I don't like being a judge, so I just give my own little run down. I decided to see this movie, because it had the word blood in the title. I had no previous knowledge of it's existance, and have no knowledge of the video game on which it is based, but since discovering Jean-Claude Van Damme in a movie called "Blood Sport", I see all blood titled movies.It stars the blonde Terminator chick from T3 with red hair, but she looks good and gets naked, so I will forgive the accent of unkown origin. She plays a Damfir, which is apparently Romanian for "Daywalker", a half vampire/half human. I want to be in the sequel as a Zamfir, half vampire/half pan flute master. She goes on a quest to meet every C level movie star left in the business, I.E...Micheal Pare, Billy Zane, Michael Madsen, Udo Kier and Meatloaf. MEATLOAF!!! Apparently Isaac Hayes and Rip Taylor were unavailable, This movie is the medieval horror version of the Love Boat. I won't give away any of the story except the obvious, she has a showdown with the big scary ultimate evil bad guy...Ben Kingsley. Yes, a huge special effects swordfight with Gandhi. This is the 3rd oddest movie fight scene pairing ever. The offical list looks like this...
5. The Incredible Hulk vs. Radioactive Poodles (The Hulk)
4. Jennifer Aniston (pre-nosejob) vs. The Leprechaun (Leprechaun)
3. Hot German Chick vs. Ben Kingsley (Blood Rayne)
2. Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Raul Julia (Street Fighter)
1. Andrew Dice Clay kickboxing Shannon Tweed (No Contest)
If you hate pointless and obviously useless lists, then you won't be sending me a christmas card. My final point is that this movie was directed by Uwe Boll. I don't understand two things. How to pronounce "Uwe Boll" and why anyone keeps letting this man direct movies. He's now made three video game to movie adaptations, none of which has made any money, he also has two on deck. Does anyone, anywhere, still think this is a good idea? Anyone biting their nails over the Dig-Dug movie. Just stop it! On the other hand I'm sure he's a nice man. He gave Michael Pare some work and let us see the german girl naked, so really how bad can he be? Once again I have no real scoring system so I'll say, I'm not sorry I saw it, and only 30% sure I'll buy the dvd.

My name should be Sloth Nasty!

2006-01-07T19:50:00.000-05:00

Hey guess what? Not only am I too lazy to post on a regular basis, I forgot how to even get here. I want to thank Heather for reminding me I even have a blog. Over a year and a half? I am truly a lazy bastard. Ok, the update. The impossible has happened, the most lethargic man in the world and your favorite deadly sin, that would be me, is on a diet. Pshaw, you may say, but indeed...it is true. I am officially signed up for Weight Watchers, and to anyone interested, I attend the Tuesday night 6:30 meeting here in picturesque Savannah, GA. I also believed I am the only Weight Watcher with the surname Nasty. I am also the only man named Nasty who ever lost 33lbs. Alas this is a mere drop in the bucket, as I intend to lose somewhere between 115-140 lbs. Can someone say "EATING LOTS OF CHICKEN"? Why can't pork be low in fat? I'm going to keep it up though, because I have nothing better to do. Any way I'm gonna wrap it up. If you get a chance, eat some cake for me.

Meteorologists is Gaelic for LIARS!!!!!!!!

2004-08-16T12:58:00.000-04:00

If a weatherman comes on tv he's going to lie to you. He is not paid to give you accurate up to the minute in depth weather information, He's paid to get you to watch him. As long as you listen to what that stupid news monkey says, he keeps his job. No matter how wrong he is, he never gets any crap from anyone. Because when the bad weather doesn't happen, he just says, "Hey, we got lucky folks, thank the lord that crazy hellfire and brimstone I've been selling you for the last two days didn't happen." It didn't happen, cause it wasn't going t0 happen! He's a liar. I live in Savannah, Georgia, any uninformed person would say "Hmmmm, don't you get a lot of hurricanes there?" And the answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We don't get them. On the map we are tucked inland in this little cove. Currents always head for us and get sucked up to Wilmington, NC. Now that place is always ass deep in water. Wilmington gets bashed to pieces every couple of months, it's shocking anyone lives there. The weather report there must just be a shot of a buoy with the words "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE" written on it in blood floating by a flooded McDonalds. But here in Savannah, the weather's pretty nice most of the time. But our local weather people act like we live in the Dominican Republic. If the wind blows even the slightest, we're expected to run for the hills. 3 years ago, the weather monkeys got in such an up roar over a hurricane they closed the city down. We had to abandon our homes and jobs for 3 days and IT DIDN'T EVEN RAIN!! So this weekend when everyone was running from hurricane Charley, I just sat outside and laughed. I seriously need to take up looting, these people are idiots. I'll probably regret this whole post in 15 years when I want to run for mayor.

Some time in the near future I need to take the time to explain my dependence to my closest friend and confidant, The Big Ass Spoon. But for right now, I just want to mention that yesterday I could not find him. I looked all over town in every bar, store, and residence I have visited in the last week, desperately trying to find it. Fortunately, It turned up under some trash in my car this morning. I was actually surprised how much losing that spoon freaked me out. I think I need it around more than I thought.

It would be cool if someday, at least one person read one of these.

Movies Last Week...

2004-08-13T08:52:00.000-04:00

I saw Anchorman and really had no opinion of it. I laughed during the movie & forgot about most of it as soon as I walked out. It's just one of those SNL-type movies. A long skit full of cameos. You go, "Hey I know that guy, what a funny costume, oh cool he's dead isn't that funny." and then you go home.
On the other hand there's Napoleon Dynamite. It's not for everyone. Off the top of my head I can think of like 4 people who'd get it. But for us lucky few who do, It's brilliant. Loved it to death. That guy is very talented and will be typecast forever. It doesn't matter since I'll be watching this movie again and again for the next 30 years.
Recent dvd purchases
Kill Bill vol. 2
13 Going on 30
Dorm Daze
Gattaca
He Got Game
Three Kings
Crazy Lips
And the Roast of Denis Leary.

Welcome to my Hole.

2004-08-13T08:04:00.000-04:00

Hi folks, anyone who cares enough to look on here probably knows me, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a computer guy. So I'm still figuring this page out, but it could be fun.
It's Friday which means karaoke tonight at Daiquiri Island on Abercorn at 10:00pm. Your host for this evening will be "Ruben Studdard's lost cousin" Antonio who will have the place jumping all evening. I myself will probably be stuffing my face with tacos in the parkinglot of Books-a-Million, or sitting in a stripclub. Yeah, that's a hard decision. Wonder what I'm going to do there?! I will however be hanging out with the karaoke groupies at the D.I. on Saturday, when your host will be "The Littlest Brave" Travis. So come hang out with us at the Island this weekend, and me and my spoon will catch up with you later.